The Delusion of Superiority

"It is amazing to me that, in this day and age, people still consider themselves as being superior to one another based on their job title or the salary that they make or how knowledgeable they are on any given subject." - Andy Dowd

Regardless of whether you are a surgeon or a floor cleaner, a CEO or an intern, the President of the United States or a small business owner, you are in no way superior or inferior to one other.  Superiority does not exist anywhere but in the mind as a delusional sense of self righteousness and when you show your sense of superiority to others, it does nothing but cheapen their sense of who you are. 

Do your job and be who you are to the best of your abilities with the resources available to you but always remember that the value of you as a human being regardless of your physical or intellectual abilities, your possessions, your paycheck, your investments, your mistakes, your shortcomings and so forth is equal to the value of any given human being. 

May we not be so ignorant as to believe that we reign over one another.  Rather than belittle one another or seek to show what we believe to be our great superiority over others, in every moment of every encounter we should be respectfully teaching, learning, helping, and acknowledging the importance of one another as we each set forth to complete the tasks that are set before us.

"People of small caliber are always carping.  They are bent on showing their own superiority, their knowledge or prowess or good breeding."  - Van Wyck Brooks

The Beauty of Life

The acknowledgement of the beauty of life begins with the conception of a new life and is experienced in its fullness with the end of life. 

In the hospital where I work, a lullaby is played overhead throughout the hospital when a child is born.  As a new nurse a few years ago, I was standing beside a patient along with her family listening to this overhead lullaby which was signaling the birth of a child as we watched this woman take her last breath.   I couldn't help but think of the circle of life and the utter beauty of it.   Death is not always peaceful nor is it always considered to be a beautiful thing but it certainly brings a completeness to life.  Without it, we would not have the appreciation for life that we do.

It should not be inferred that I am suggesting that life cannot be celebrated, appreciated, or fully acknowledged prior to death.  Nor am I suggesting that heartache and sadness should not be felt in the instance of death.  I am only saying that one's life is not complete until death just as it is not complete only with childbirth or only with other milestones or individual successes in one's life.  The end of one's life allows for the final embracing of the beauty of that life.  It is the end of the ability for anything better here on earth for that life.  The best has been had.  All that is to be admired or rejected has already taken place.  The rest of us can continue to reflect on that life and be happy for the things we have experienced and learned (and can continue to learn) from that life.

I admit that my views on this subject are limited and incomplete.  They are formed from personal experiences and observations along with my belief in God, in Heaven, and in peace.

“To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded.” 

Bessie A. Stanley (a version of her original definition of the word 'success')

I do resolve...

It always takes me a while to decide on what my goals will be for the upcoming year and this year I'm a little bit late.  I want my focus this year to be more pure, more natural, more grounded, and more practical.  I want my goals to be a promise not only to me but also to my husband.

*Healthy dietary choices - we both promised when we got married to always strive towards a healthy lifestyle to maximize the quality of our years together

*More active lifestyle - we are doing the Sunrise to Sunset relay run from Ft Myers, Fl to Jensen Beach Fl)

*Less spending on superficial or nonessential items

*Less spending overall (I've created a budget spreadsheet and am so excited about it!)

*More education - have applied to USF to work towards a masters degree in oncology nursing.

*More Love, smiles, and generosity - always :)

"Means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek." 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Place of Values

That which we value most is what we will be left with.  If we place our work over family, we should not be surprised to one day find ourselves with only our jobs.  If we place our drink or drug over our jobs, we should not be surprised to one day find ourselves with only our addictions.  If we place our selfishness and self-destruction above our friends and our family, I hope we are not be surprised to one day find ourselves alone with no more outstretched helping hands to ignore as we always did. 

I hope we never point our fingers at others to say "They never helped me" or "They owe me" or "I deserve better" because we never helped ourselves nor did we ever allow anyone else to help us.  Only some percentage of the "wrong" done to each of us by the world is the fault of another human being; many times the wrongdoings we endure are brought onto ourselves by none other than ourselves.  If we are wronged or slighted, it is up to us to stop the self pity, forgive, and move on with our lives.  If we are drowning in our mistakes, it is up to us to choose to stop our misdeeds and make things right.  No one can help us if we do not first choose to help ourselves.

The value of YOU never decreases but your life will always be quick to reflect the degree to which you value yourself.  It is quick to make apparant in which order the things in your life are placed; whether you place higher value on your friends and family or to your addictions.  And only you can change the places of your values in your life; you cannot expect anyone else to do this for you.

Our Wedding

When Andy and I began making plans for the wedding we set a budget and vowed to stick to it; a one-day event, regardless of the event, was not going to push us to break the bank or go into debt.  We certainly didn't want to start our marriage off by accruing wedding debt so we decided to do it as simply as possible while still making it fun and enjoyable for our guests.  We actually considered eloping and really wished we had done so when it came down to "crunch time" right before the wedding but in the end we had so much fun with friends and family - very happy we went through with the whole wedding day event!

Both of us are outside people; most of our dating took place outside whether it was running, hiking, boating, snorkeling, 4-wheeling, or just going for simple walks.  We both knew we wanted an outdoors wedding; unable to find an "on the water" location that we both liked and that was convenient, we settled on a beautiful backyard garden.

We had initially planned to do EVERYTHING ourselves but ended up cracking and hiring a wedding consultant (Leann Ulmer) who was just fabulous.  She first chastised us for being so far behind while planning an almost last minute wedding and then quickly got us on track.  She helped us order flowers without being too costly and also arranged all of our bouquets as well as Andy's little lapel flower thing.  She is able to completely plan all of the details and arrangements for weddings but we, wanting to do a lot of it ourselves, only had her help with the checklists and day of the event.

Friends of mine that I had worked with several times in the past, Brad Miller and his wife Kimi, did the wedding photography and although I haven't seen the pictures yet, I already know how absolutely breathtaking they will be as Brad has been a professional photographer for decades and it runs in his family.  Brad took the background photo on my blog page.  His work is truly amazing and he will always receive my highest recommendation for whatever types of photos it is that you are looking for!!  www.bradmiller.com

Ceremony music - we hired a string quartet through a woman in our church, Amy Curell, and ohhhh my gosh the music was SO beautiful!!  Perfect for our garden wedding!! 

Reception music?  Okay, we initially wanted to just hook a laptop up to a sound system and run everyone's iPods, allowing our guests to choose whatever they wanted to hear.  We instead ended up hiring DJ Jon with Elite Music Events (www.elitemusicevents.com).  He also set up the sound equipment for our outdoor ceremony but it ended up being that the ceremony was so small that sound equipment really wasn't necessary but we had it there just in case; experienced small issue with some feedback from the microphone but overall it was okay.  At the reception, the DJ skipped one of our bridesmaids and groomsmen couples and instead introduced our Maid of Honour and Best Man twice.  Otherwise, the reception was very well done and DJ Jon was such a pleasure to work with.

Andy cooked & pulled all of the meats for the wedding and I baked all of the macaroni and cheese (8 large pans!).  Andy's mother, Becki, and his sister Emily also helped with a lot of the cooking.  We had several friends who brought side dishes, as well.

Every wet reception needs a bartender and a friend of ours, Valerie Ortigas, stepped up and served the alcohol for us.

Chef Pascale Deighan (www.purefoodforyou.com), Michael Permar, and Andrea Bates, friends of ours/Andy's family, helped out SO MUCH in the kitchen.  We will be forever grateful for that!!!

Kelly Conway did the makeup for the bridesmaids and Jose Flores did the hair for the bridesmaids - they both did such a great job!


Our bridesmaids and groomsmen as well as parents, brothers, and sisters were SO helpful in the preparations and clean-up for the wedding.  All went smoothly.  We did it.  We got married...yaaa!!!

My Love

I did it.  I found it.  I didn't mean to nor did I think I ever wanted to.  I found what I seem to have never dared to dream about or perhaps just didn't know how to or what to dream about.  Love.  Not love of work or love of friends or love of family.  Not love of art or love to travel.  Not love to help or to console the feelings or physical needs of others.  Not love for self or love for God.  Intimate love with another human being that cannot easily be compared to any type of love.  It is never the same for any two persons.  What we experience gives me the kind of love that I want and allows me to give the kind of love that he wants.

As a huge believer in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I feel the desire to state that a woman never really needs a man; nor do men every really need a woman, but the intense wanting to keep him forever sometimes feels like a true necessity.  Real necessities are just the basics which Maslow has told us include breathing, water, food, homeostasis, excretion, sleep, and sex.   I disagree with sex as being a vital necessity but have witnessed the absolute need for all of the other basics.  Fulfilling only the most basic elements necessary to keep one alive (breathing, balance of nutrition, circulation, excretion) is usually not enough to justify the continuation of life which is why quality of life by fulfilling at least some if not all of the other elements is so important to us as human beings.  Why accept deficits when we have the opportunities to fulfill the elements which bring wholeness to our lives?

I don't need a man to make or to keep me happy - I was extremely happy and content before I found my love.  I don't need a man to help me to enjoy and experience the endless adventures and opportunities that life has to offer - I was never one to pass up an exciting trip, lend a helping hand, or try a daring activity.  I don't need the dates.  I really don't need.  I just want so badly that it feels like a need.

The happiness and contentedness that I have with my love is such a new and completely fulfilling life experience.  Everything good that I previously experienced alone and was completely content with is now so intensified and amazing in a whole new way now that I have someone to share it with. 
It is complete trust.  Being absolutely comfortable with one's self in the presence of the other half.  It's giving 100% and always wanting the absolute best for one another.  Never wanting to go back to life alone.  It really is that good.

My Christmas Wish

I went to the gas station after work tonight to fill up my tank...$40 had gone missing from my wallet at some point while I was at work.
The pump was running slowly.  I sat for 10 minutes waiting for my tank to fill. I was so angry that someone took my money.  Just as the pump was finishing, I saw an ambulance pull into the gas station; they were coming for a young man (late teens, early 20s) whom I had seen sitting propped up against the building just on the other side of my car.  I sat there for 10 minutes pumping gas and didn't take the time to notice that he wasn't okay.  I was too busy thinking about the $40.
As I drove home I thought more about the money and why it was taken.
I thought about the young man and how he ended up alone at a gas station with nothing but his skateboard, in need of medical attention.
I thought about a young woman fighting to just stay alive until Christmas.
I thought about her young children.
I thought about other families who are experiencing their first Christmas season without their loved ones.
I thought about those who are so many hundreds of miles away from their families and are spending Christmas alone for the first time.
I thought about life.  I thought about death.  I thought about health.  I thought about family.  I thought about love.
I thought about who took my money and that maybe he or she really needed it for food or for small Christmas gifts for their family.
I thought about how blessed I am to have exactly what I have today.
I realized that when I am consciously aware of and grateful for what I do have that it's hard to miss what I don't have. 
My Christmas wish this year is that we will put aside our differences and treat one another with more respect, compassion, understanding, acceptance, love, kindness, patience, attention, and honor; that we will look beyond our wants and see the needs and the hurts of others and offer whatever it is that we have, even if just a smile or a hug.

May your year be filled with blessings and may you pass along the blessings to those who cross your path!

Mom -

In everything that you do, you teach us not just to be patient but to really consider others, to see, and to understand the experience as we wait; not just to study but to remember and apply; not just to work hard, but to know that what we're working for really matters; not to seek out the downfalls or the way in which others do not serve or entertain us, but rather to seek out their strengths and do everything that we can to encourage, love, help, and be there for them, especially in the most difficult of times; not to worry about what we are missing out on but rather to put aside our natural selfishness and find out what is missing or broken in the lives of others; and to never allow ourselves to be dragged down by those who attempt to make us feel inferior.

"Unfriend"

"Make new friends but keep the old.  One is silver and one is gold."

I have never before found myself in a situation where I needed to consider breaking off a friendship with a friend; let alone such a close friend.  I have always had an interest only in repairing damaged relationships and doing my best to mend the frayed edges.

However, when one is convinced that my best attempts (considering current circumstances) aren't enough for our friendship, what is left for me to say or do?  Am I expected to stand by and continue to defend myself against false accusations which are based on one's seemingly twisted perception of reality?  Continue to make plans knowing that she will either show up late or not show up at all?

• I don't receive any respect in return for the respect that I give.  Showing up late with no apologies or concern for my time, frequently canceling on plans or being very noncommital ("maybe I'll stop by" or "maybe; we'll see") even after confirming "definite" plans.  GAG!  Who wants to try to make plans with someone like that?  Someone who is more interested in what they can get out of an outing rather than what both or all parties get out of the experience.  Someone who seems to have no respect for the time, tight scheduling, or interests of other people.
• She appears to be self-absorbed, shows little interest in my life, and is constantly creating or being surrounded by drama that just wears me down and leaves me feeling exhausted when I'm done hearing all about it.
• When we do go out, I always feel as though she is never really focused on our conversations or what we're doing, but rather more focused what people around us might be thinking about her looks, what she is saying, or what she is doing.
• My honest opinions/advice are usually very quickly disregarded while I am expected to be all ears for this friend's opinions/advice because this friend is "always right."
• I am always having to justify my actions or lack of actions.  When perceived misdemeanors are accusingly brought to my attention, my explanations for the falsely accused wrongs never seem to be good enough to quell her mistrust. 
• I seldom feel comfortable expressing my opinions with her because my opinions are usually never taken seriously or acknowledged, unless such opinions make her feel good about herself.
• She blames me for not making enough time for her even when I have multiple commitments involving family and work.

The value that our friendship has to me does not change regardless of how many weeks we may go without having a chance to see each other or how many important life details we have to catch each other up on after those few weeks of separation; I understand and respect her schedule as well as my own; I expect to be able to pick up where we left off and have no judgements placed on each other's choice of scheduling.  But it seems to be that the value she places on the friendship fluctuates readily in the face of any doubtful thoughts that cross her mind.

My automatic response would be to salvage the friendship and soothe any hurt feelings on her end that are due to many misconceptions that she has.  But I'm questioning whether the respect, interest, consideration, patience, and understanding are going to continue to just be one-sided?

Accepting The End of Life

If there is nothing else that every human has in common with each other, we are all identical in that we all breathe our first breath, we all live, and we all die.  The differences exist in the way we do it and for how long we spend in each phase.  We have seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and decades for each stage; some will have more time than others and that's okay.  Timing of death can many times be very difficult to understand but we still must accept it.

"Too long we have orphaned outselves from nature and regarded death as an intruder rather than an experience vital to our total expression." - Ingrid Van Mater

We cannot fully realize and appreciate the beauty of life if we do not embrace it in its entirety with that entirety including sickness and death.  The acceptance of each piece of life as it comes in its own time prepares us for the end of life in its own time as death. 

"It is when we accept what comes to us rather than try to escape it, we fulfill our destiny, making inner conquests and unconsciously helping others."  Ingrid Van Mater

How unfortunate for the soul that is in the process of leaving the body when a loved one holds on to it, convincing the soul (often subconsciously) that it is bad or unnatural to leave; that a disservice is being done to those still living by the leaving of the soul in its own time rather than a time that may be more convenient or comfortable for the living rather than for the dying.  How awful for the dying individual to feel as though he or she is causing such incredible pain and misery as they complete their phase of death?  What a terrible way to spend our last moments of life.

I believe that the most difficult part of death for the dying individual, whether a young child or old and decrepit, is the lack of acceptance by said individual and or his or her loved ones.  The most traumatic processes of death that I have seen are those when the patient or the family is unable to accept that death is inevitable but believe instead that death is bad; that death is abnormal.  The role that a family and caregivers play in birth as we prepare and assist the life to begin with love, joy, and peace is very similar to the role that is to be played in death as we prepare and assist the life to end.  We must help them to pass through this last phase with love, peace, happiness, sadness (but not hopelessness), memories, and the acceptance of death as a natural and normal part of every life.  Rather than convincing them that they should not or will not die, we should be doing everything we can to help them accept that death is inevitable and will come in its own time.  We must make them comfortable and bring peace, rather than stress, anguish, or hopelessness.

"I’ve never understood pity and self-pity as an emotion. We have a finite amount of time. Whether short or long, it doesn’t matter. Life is to be lived." - Randy Pausch "The Last Lecture"