2010

Twenty-Ten =

• weddings galore!
• 21
• music concerts: something I never enjoyed until this year so I went ahead and enjoyed Lynyrd Skynyrd, .38 Special, DMB, Brooks & Dunn, Brad Paisley, Darius Rucker, and a few more
• cousins' reunion (in the charming town of Charleston, SC)
• MLB games
• blind dates, bad dates
• good dates :)
• Girls in Orlando
• volunteering (Habitat for Humanity)
• a real relationship (cha-check!)
• missions: I directed my first Youth Missions Encounter 2010 in Miami, Fl
• Finished nursing school: The END to my first step towards obtaining my doctorate of nursing practice (DNP)
• graduated with 2 degrees
• became a licensed RN :)
• Haiti
• continue to be an unemployed RN :(

I had resolved at the turn of 2010 to meet one and only one goal: try a real relationship.  Misson accomplished.  It was unfortunately short but I really liked it :)

In 2011, I resolve to:

1. Run a marathon
2. GET A JOB
3. Paddleboard

Haiti: Hope and Despair

I was asked a few weeks ago to travel to Haiti to provide childcare for full-time missionaries who were attending a conference/retreat.  It wasn't the ideal trip that I would like to take (as much as I enjoy hanging out with kids, I would much rather be getting dirty picking up trash, swinging a hammer, or playing with big power tools), but it at least got me into Haiti and allowed for me to see what some of the local Christian organizations are doing to with both short and long-term rebuilding, evangelical outreach, education, provision of healthcare, and economic development.

Before leaving for Haiti, I was absolutely shocked by the negative feedback I received from a few friends, family, and acquaintances in regards to my interest in being a part of persistent movement to help the nation of Haiti and its inhabitants. 
"Haiti is and has been a hopeless nation for as long as I can remember.  Nothing good has ever come out of Haiti and nothing ever will." 
"I think we should nuke the whole place and everyone in it.  Kill the people of Haiti and start all over again.  Every one of them.  They do nothing to contribute to the rest of humanity; the are a burden to this world."

You get the idea...I got the idea.  There is no hope for Haiti.  "Survival of the fittest...let AIDs kill them off."  In what I presume is your line of thought, it makes sense to pull any and all relief efforts out of Haiti based on their history of a seemingly never ending impoverished state of being. 

Please understand that I am not the same as you are.  My natural thoughts, ideas, and beliefs may differ from yours and, when I try to think the way that you do, I have to push aside all moral, emotional, and spiritual aspects of who I am.  But I do my best to understand your way of thinking.  I understand that perhaps your empathy is not directed towards the same situations as mine and you are able to turn a blind eye to a nation of starving peopl to set your focus on other things which you deem to be more worthwhile.

You may not see any substantial hope for the nation of Haiti; only the dirty physical disparities that lie between our comfortable, convenient lives and the lives of those of Haiti. 
I see the hope of Haiti in the eyes of every individual who pours themselves into being a part of seemingly insignificant advancements.  I have seen the hope of Haiti in bright eyes of some young orphans and I have also seen great despair in the dull and lifeless eyes of other orphans.  I have seen the hope of Haiti in young men and women who learn by verbal repetition in bare, filthy classrooms if they are fortunate enough to attend a school.  I see the hope of Haiti in these young men and women who fight against all odds to bring education, health, and tangible hope to their country.

I understand that I am not getting across to you my desired point of this blog.  I can't find words fitting enough to describe my frustration.  It seems so impossible to communicate what I have seen: great despair and even greater hope.

I love lamp...

"To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest." Gandhi

I came across this quote the other day and felt challenged to seriously consider what I absolutely believe in and whether or not I am living by these beliefs.  I believe that my beliefs are incomplete and imperfect...and that's okay  :)

I believe in God.  I believe in one God who is the Creator of Heaven and earth, everything included.  I believe in the perfect love of God and that we were created to reflect this perfect love throughout His creation.  I believe that we, as imperfect images of God, lack the ability to adequately reflect this perfect love but that our love for others should come as close to His example as humanly possible.

I believe in love.  I believe that love is a relative term that can be based on a number of thoughts/feelings/beliefs regarding both explainable and unexplainable affinities for a great number of things or persons. I believe that my love may very well not be the same as your love. I believe that the greatest feeling in our lifetime is the feeling of being loved in the way(s) that we want to be loved. I believe that the greatest piece of knowledge is in knowing that we both give and receive love in ways that make positive impressions in the lives of all involved.

I believe in honesty.  I believe in telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I believe in actions and words that will not need to be covered up by lies.

I believe in loyalty.  I believe in making a commitment based on solid facts and benevolence to humanity.  I believe in maintaining my commitments so that no one commitment will have a negative impact upon or take away from the others.  I believe in remaining faithful to my commitment(s) unless it comes to light and can be proven that said commitment(s) is/are not in alignment with my other beliefs.

I believe in passion.  I believe that passion is what drives the human race to continue in perseverance towards excellence.  I believe that without passion we have no reason to continue living.  I believe in finding those things that make me burn with passion and pursuing them to the end.

Know what you believe in.

Wanton House of Hope

False confidence -- the face of bravery and the stride of absolute surety in one's self despite an underlying knowledge of inadequacy.  It's a great defense mechanism used in an attempt to maintain the security of an acceptable value of face and it comes into play when we find ourselves in close propinquity to failure.  Some say "fake it 'till you make it" and in some instances this phrase rings true as it brings about success, even when least expected.  But sometimes, I think it is best to stand down and acknowledge that success is improbable and any attempts to succeed would be temerarious and futile.  Sometimes people lie down on the tracks as the train is rounding the bend; I just don't understand that.

It's one thing to know that loss is probable and to walk away before it happens and quite another to willingly put oneself into a submissive position, accepting that loss is likely to ensue.  It's one thing to see that a positive outcome is unlikely and to cash out while you're ahead and another to place your life savings on the table despite seeing the great potential to lose.

I suppose people act on the fact that there is always the small chance at a positive outcome but it just seems so...so impractical to risk so much for such diminutive odds.  Whatever.  You do your thing and I'll do mine.

Absolutely Not

Absolute - not dependent upon external conditions for existence or for specific nature, size, etc. (opposed to the term "relative")

There are relatively few things that truly excite me. Very few promises that really appeal to me. It would be foolish of me to have absolute faith in anything, unquestionably. I know that I cannot have absolute faith in any human promise; choosing to do so would be amusingly naive. I know that your word is contingent on both internal and external circumstances and I cannot hold it against you when your well-meaning promises fail to deliver.

I know that the majority of the promises that we make or that are made to us are based on present or foreseen circumstances; we are not capable of ensuring that our promises will prevail despite change in circumstance.

This does not mean that I would assume that you will not do everything in your power to bring your promises to truth just as I know that I will do everything within my abilities to make my promises ring true to the end. I suppose what I'm trying to communicate is that it really is quite silly to put one's absolute faith into people.

Like spandex

Resiliency. Merriam-Webster defines resiliency as "the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress; an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change."

I have always been so very intrigued by the resiliency of humans. Our ability to adapt and conform to new environments is incredible. When confronted with abnormal and even devastating situations an innate behavior kicks in that causes us to slow down, take a look around, and change, if even just slightly, to incorporate this situation into our stride as we move on.

However, I cannot say that all humans demonstrate an equal quality of flexibility; varying degrees are seen in the many different ways and also in the extent to which we accomodate such changes. There are some who crack emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually when faced with stressors that, for these individuals, is truly devastating. The level of their ability to function within society becomes severely diminished.

My biggest question is whether the issue of the varying degrees of the outcomes of the use of coping skills is a result of actual differences in the capability that we have to be resilient or a result of personal choice.  Do we choose our degree of resiliency?  Or is it predetermined?

Jennifer Knapp

I would like to know why we think of ourselves as "mini-gods" who have the ability to pass judgement on others. What makes us so righteous that we believe we are above sin?
I would like to know how many of Ms. Knapp's (former) followers encouraged her in her daily walk with the Lord. How many of us prayed for her as she was surely attacked on a daily basis for standing out and ministering to us for so many years? I know I never did. I never really considered the temptations and struggles that Christian leaders and role models face day in and day out.
Shame on me. Shame on us for sitting on thrones carved from stones of false righteousness as we point our sticky, judgemental fingers at those who do not meet our standards.
She is a woman of God and she is struggling in her sin just as every one of us struggle in our sin every day.
May we see that we are all created equal; no one man above another.
May we never fail to lend a hand when we see a tempted man struggling.
May we never turn blind eyes to the misfortunes of others.
May we speak only words based on love and encouragement.
May we make earnest our prayers that she come back to the complete love of God where she belongs.
May we all remember the wholeness of God's love and stand firm against our sins.


HOLD ME NOW
Jennifer Knapp

"From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul
Oh, foot of Christ would You wait if her harlotry's known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt
She is strong enough to stand in Your love
I can hear her say...

I am weak, I am poor
I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
Hold me now, hold me now

Let he without sin cast the first stone if you will
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled
Point your finger and laugh if you choose to say my beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in my love
I can hear her say...

I am weak, I am poor
I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
Hold me now, hold me now"

Something more...

I would like to know from where it is that we derive our personal worth. Is it from the clothes we wear? The cars we drive? The houses in which we reside? Hairstyles? Makeup? Shoes? Who are we and what are we doing?

Why is it that we pour so much time, money, and effort into accumulating petty items? I'm not condemning the ownership of any of materials; I don't believe it is wrong or shameful to be in posession of these, I would just like to know why we base so much of our own personal worth and time on such trivial items. Why are these items so important to us? Why do they become the center focus of our lives? I can't help but wonder, are so very captivated by this stuff that we are totally missing our potential to do truly great things?

I'm tired of playing stupid, meaningless roles in society. I want to mean something to somebody. I want to make changes that mean something. I want to share that feeling of love, the feeling of being the recipient of actions that originate from the goodness of one's heart, to those who have never experienced it.

I want my personal worth, my raison d'être, to come from helping others achieve a life that is filled with experiences based on helping them to pass on joy and goodwill to the rest of the world.

I just want to be a little bit more than I am.

"Remove From Friends"

I would like to know where the intense desire one has to inform one's entire social network of one's every action comes from. "Walking the dog", "getting the mail", "on the phone with _____", "going to the grocery store", "crazy drivers" (via mobile device), etc. Whatever happened to keeping petty, pointless information to ourselves? I understand that some things, while seemingly insignificant to others, may be very important to you. However, I do not need nor want to be on the receiving end of a play-by-play of your daily activities.

I understand if you had a tough day. But when you complain about your tough, busy day every single day, I really don't care to hear it anymore. What's important to you has, over time, become very unimportant to me. I'm sorry, but you've completely desensitized me to your complaints and I have no empathy nor sympathy towards you.

Having said all of that, if you suddenly find yourself short 100 social networking buddies, perhaps it's time to reconsider the overwhelming amount of trivial information that you choose share with EVERYONE.

Lost book?

My mom paraphrased something from a book last year and now I'm paraphrasing her paraphrase. "There comes a time in your life when you will finally tire of being continuously beaten. You will stand up for yourself and bring the beatings to an end. Enough is enough, and when you have learned this, there is no more to be learned."
I think she mentioned that there was a monk in the book. I would love to know the name of the book. Let me know if you are familiar with this piece. :)

Hell

Walking through hell is, most certainly, an uncertain and very dangerous journey that we often take in life. Show me a man who has not turned away from his struggles and I will show you a man who truly knows how to live. When we find ourselves in hard times we cannot turn around and just go back. We may choose to wander hopelessly in our own personal hell but we must acknowledge that we will never reach the exit unless we walk straight through the hottest flames for they will strengthen us for the remainder of our journey.

New Year!

Looking back on 2009, I see a year filled with sadness, heartbreak, trials, and devastation. But, more than pain, I see a year filled with new experiences, hope, love, and great accomplishments. Looking forward to the new year, I see a year filled with all of the same emotions as the previous year. If we do not experience sadness, joy will seem dull. If we never fail, we will never appreciate the bliss of success.
I always have the general resolutions each year: eat healthier, exercise more, and always seek to learn. This year, I only made one resolution: try a real relationship. I did not resolve to stay away from short-term flings. Only to try a real relationship at some point before the year comes to a end.
To faith, to friends, to loyalty, to courage, to joy, to hope, to love, to new experiences, to you, and to me, to yours and to mine. Cheers!